Writer

Book Excerpt

In the process of loving someone who battles with hard things, I sidelined myself and avoided fully living in the present. Over time I spend huge amounts of energy helping other people not blow up their life (reminding them to finish that school paper, paying their parking ticket, waking them in time for work) until that care-taking evolved into my own identity.

In my own growth journey I found that allowing my identity to be consumed with managing others was a form of escaping myself. I numbed myself with activity and relationship “addiction” which relieved me from facing my own hard feelings. I was well into my healing and recovery before I recognized i provided a front and disguised the fact that I didn’t value myself and feel worthy independent of others. That’s crunchy to admit. But track with me here. . .

Managing others fills that hole while at the same time justifies our behavior. Over time we unknowingly become addicted to the value and purpose we gain from saving other people. When they thank us or praise us for our help we feel warm and worthy, without considering how out of balance our relationships have become. We become their manager. They need us. We enable them. They lean on us. It feels good. Repeat.

Our “purpose” starts revealing itself in our everyday life and might look like staying busy, controlling others, self-sacrificing and clinging to things (from unbalanced relationships to that ragged old shirt in the back of your closet!) because letting go feels unsafe. Who are we without this purpose?